Rolf Harris' Portrait of the Queen

Rolf Harris' Portrait of the Queen
As suggested by Michael Keane, actor, real tennis player and cricket tour host from Stockwell, London. 

1926. Elizabeth "Lilibet" Alexandra May Windsor born 21st April, 2:40am, 17 Barton Street, Mayfair by caesarian section - only a lowly Princess of York, 3rd in line to the throne - never expected to take the throne in her lifetime.

Also born in this year: Time Magazine, the Walt Disney Corporation.

1930. Rolf born in Perth, Australia (around the same time as Margaret, the Queen's sister, around the same time that Pluto is discovered. Is the discovery of a cold, hard block of ice floating in the dead of space at all symbollic? We shall see). Rolf is born to Crom and Agnes Harris from Cardiff in Wales. He's named after Rolf Boldrewood (aka Thomas Alexander Browne) who spent 25 years of his life as a squatter, 25 years as a civil servant and the remaining 40 years of his life as a novelist. Boldrewood/Browne is best remembered  for Robbery Under Arms - set in the bush and goldfields of Australia in the 1850s, it follows Dick Marston and his brother Jim in their escapades alongside their cohort Captain Starlight (no, I'm not kidding) whereby they engage in cattle theft and ROBBERY UNDER ARMS. Agnes Harris was rather fond of him and so named her son after the writer..

1934. Queenie meets the future Prince Philip. She's aged 8. Adolf Hitler becomes Fuhrer of Germany. Just saying.

1935. There's a major Royal Rumble. George V dies, King Eddie 8 steps up. Then he meets Wallis Simpson who releases him from an unknown sexual dysfunction through practices learnt in a Chineese brothel - mostly featuring BDSM. At least according to Dr. Alan Campbell - Don Chaplain to the Archbishop of Canterbury at the time. Edward VIII abdicates the throne to marry her. It's her third marriage. Scandal abound. George the VI steps up and becomes King-Emporer of the British Empire. This is all dramatised somewhat notably in a recent filmed play about some speech or another.

1936. Lilibet Windsor meets Phil for the 2nd time. She's aged 11.

1937. Elizabeth meets Philip Mountbatten for the third time - and it's the charm. She falls in love. They begin to exchange letters.

1943. Rolf has his first exhibition in Perth.

1945. The Queen marries Philip. They receive 2500 wedding gifts. 2501 if you include the Blitzkreig bombing of Dresden in Germany.

1946. They have to rush through the paperwork to ensure that their first child, Charles, is born a royal prince. Had that paperwork been later, he wouldn't have had any royal entitlement. Unluckily for us they got it through just in time.

1948. Rolf Harris becomes a swim teacher, then one morning awakes to find himself paralysed in an awake coma. He's rushed to hospital and stays there for several weeks. He has an epiphany to move to London and become an artist. George VI begins to get ill.

1950. He moves to London and becomes and artist. George VI dies.

1951. Rolf stars art school and immediately is offered a job on Fuzz-  a puppet/cartoon show. The Queen has her coronation to co-incide. It annoys Scotland as she picks the regnal name Elizabeth II, and they never had a Liz the 1. The new Prince Philip is a little peeved as they instate the house of Windsor (her name) and not the house of Mountbatten (his name). He laments how he's the only man in the country not to be able to name his children with his own surname.

1952. The new Queen visits Melbourne, Australia (things are starting to become cyclical) and in her honour the Moomba festival starts (we'll revisit this in 1973 with Rolf).

1954. Harris monopolises BBC and ITV - unheard of at this time - he's the only person to appear on the Beeb and commercial TV.

1955. Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport is released, inspired by Harry Belafonte's calypsos. It's about an Australian stockman on his death bed. The recently deceased taunts us from beyond the grave with his seemingly never-ending demands to "Tie me kangaroo down, sport" or "Take me koala back, Jack" or "Play your didgeridoo, Blue." The song culminates in an gruesome orgy of violence as the ghoulish cadaver demands to have his skin rendered from the body and after being skinned, and in a feast of filth have the strips of flesh from his buttocks nailed to the shed wall to cure into leather in the sun. 

Rolf offered four unknown musicians royalties for the song, but they turned him down, thinking the hideous murder ballad would be a flop. They opted for the recording fee of £28.00.

For the song Rolf invents the wobble board - it's made from Masonite (invented 1924 by William H. Mason - and used in construction of houses and toy models. If kept painted it will last the life of the house).

Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport inflames the passion of so many women that the oral contraceptive pill moves into the final stages of testing.

1956. Rolf marries his darling Alwen. He appears regularly at Clement Freud's Royal Court Theatre Club in Sloane Square where he serenades the debutantes and their escorts.

1958. Rolf develops a tour in America -a stage show using only Dulux emulsion paint. It is this tour where he hones his catchphrase, "Can you tell what it is yet?" The show is so popular it forces commercial television into Australia.

1959. Rolf pioneers beatboxing, beating Doug E. Fresh, Swifty, Buffy and Wise's 1985 efforts. And they claimed they were the inventors of the form.

1960. Rolf returns to the UK and settles here. This inspires the Beatles to form and release their first record.

1961. Rolf comperes a Beatles show at the Finsbury Park Empire.

1963. Jake the Peg is released. It is voted the fourth best Australian single of all time in a recent poll.

1966. Rolf receives an MBE.

1973. Rolf is crowned King of Moomba, the very festival that Queen Liz 2 inspired in 1952. Official Moomba means, "let's get together and have fun." But in Victorian slang "moom" means "anus" and "ba" means "in." I'll leave you to decipher.

1975. Rolf is given an OBE.

1977. Amthony Blunt is unmasked as a spy. He was in charge of portraits of the Queen. Rolf Harris would later paint a portrait of the Queen, had Blunt been allowed to stay in his position he would have been in a position to pass secrets about Rolf Harris' portrait of the Queen to the Russians.

1979. A man with a starting pistol fires blank shots at the Queen. The Queen is praised for her excellent horsewomanship as she was mounted at the time.

1980. A man breaks into the Queen's bedroom and sits on her bed. They talk for 7 minutes before he is escorted out. Who knows what they discussed.

1991. Rolf Harris' Stairway to Heaven is released and despite major criticism inspires South Africa to end apartheid. Maybe.

1992. Rolf presents Animal Hospital.

1994. Charles and Diana divorce.

1995. Diana is killed in a car crash in Paris.

2001. Rolf is exhibited at the National Gallery, London. 9/11 strikes.

2003. Rolf paints the Queen. Normally the Queen doesn't comment on pictures of her. She makes an exception for Harris. She says it looks friendly.